Humility is my greatest quality

I am a busy man. Very busy. For the world, I might be just another snake oil salesman and a high class fraud, but, I have shit to take care of. Between counseling dumb souls who consult me for everything ( starting from 'who should I marry' to 'what should I wear before going to bed' ) and single-handedly saving the world by shooing away evil spirits( this i do during my lunch break ), I have my hands full. Just in the past week, I have had cabinet meetings which have saved the world economy from crashing. Not once, not twice, but thrice.

Its very hard to live in this world knowing that everybody around me is a lesser being and lower in taratamya compared to me. On top of this, there is this Fake Chiraan who's making stuff up on his crappy website and getting on my nerves.

YET, despite all this, I am very humble. As a matter of fact, I haven't met a single person who is as humble as I am. All you lesser mortals might not have a BMW like I do, or might not have clout in the Indian Parliament like I do, but it doesn't matter anyway, because you definitely cannot be as humble as I am. I'll even go as far as to say that amongst all my kalyaanagunAs,  humility is my greatest quality. ( Here is where my chelas drumroll ).

Don't agree with me? You must either be a (a) daitya (b) mletcha (c) nAstik (d) all of the above . Pick your choice, sucker.

Pardon me for taking leave now, but I have a chartered jet to take - the one that I own. And my other car is a Porsche. Stay humble, stay foolish( like I do )!

Your questions, the Real Chiraan's answers - 2

Question of the day:

Number : 5 +i7
Place: Jakkasandra, Karnataka, India
Offerings: 5 beetle leaves, 22/7 almonds, mangoes, mulangis
My name is Dr. Richard Gere, am working as  junior lecturer in OOO college and research institute in Jakkasandra, Karnataka, India.
my question is will i get a very beautiful very good looking n a good compatible wife ,
what will be the complexion of my wife
when is the date of my marriage in this year 2013

Please help Real Chiraanji!

The Real Chiraan says:

Yes,  you'll get a very beautiful wife - her complexion will be pure magenta, with spots of grey. And you'll be as compatible as MS Word 2013 is with Windows 95.

Impostor

Dear readers,
                       It has come to my notice that there is an impostor doing the rounds on the internet, impostor of The Real Chiraan. This fake Chiraan, named after the website www.chiraan.com ( which coincidentally happens to be a website he owns now ), has been trying desperately to tarnish the glory of The Real Chiraan( yours truly ) by creating a "Your questions my answers" blog and giving extremely stupid astrological advices to his even more stupid bunch of blind followers, who shall be referred to as "loonies" going forward. Not only does he not know jack, he absolutely lacks any sense of humor. Please do not get fooled by this impostor or his astrological antics. Be advised to come to this blog for all your astrological queries, and for everything else.

Sincerely,
The Real Chiraan

I am Chiraani (The REAL Chiraani)

(Dear god, please help me through this)

My real name is, well never mind, I'll forever be known as "the real Chiraani", BECAUSE of course the real Chiraan is my greatest and only guru of forever and always. Are you so dense, you don't even get that? Are you a DAITYA? YOu must be. Hahahaha Hahahah! Joke's on you, hahaha!
Anyway:

• I completely, totally, absolutely, without even the slightest of doubts believe in every letter of what The Real Chiraan says. I once tried to sell my toenails because GURUJI told me that is my sure shot way to get rid of my SINS.
• I have five degrees from Harvard university, LaBamba school of medicine, Asshole Federation, London school of economics and beedil hogo daasayya school of singing. I am an excellent scientist, academician, kho kho player and folk song singer. My IQ varies between 8.5 and 9. On my good days, I can even solve hocus pocus in deccan herald!
• GURUJI is my guiding light. I take his suggestions on what toilet cleaner to buy. You should too
• If you don't believe in HIM or what he says, I will HATE you.

Your Questions My Answers

DEAR READERS , IF YOU ARE ASKING A QUERY , KINDLY DO NOT FORGET TO  WRITE A NUMBER WITHIN 1800 FOLLOWED BY SINGLE DIGIT NUMBER [ WITHIN 1-8 ]. TAKE THE SQUARE ROOT OF THAT NUMBER, MULTIPLY BY THE LOGARITHM OF ITS CUBE AND APPLY LAPLACE TRANSFORM ON IT. WRITE THAT DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER AND TOSS IT OUT YOUR WINDOW.

AFTER YOU DO THAT, KINDLY GIVE TIME AND CURRENT PLACE WHERE YOU ARE ASKING QUERY FROM ! FOLLOWED BY NUMBER OF VIRTUAL BEETLE LEAVES ,NUTS AND FRUITS YOU WOULD LIKE TO GIVE ASTROLOGER , AND CLEAR PLACE ,TIME AND DATE OF BIRTH. DON'T FORGET TO MENTION THE NUMBER OF TIMES YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH OVER THE LAST YEAR MULTIPLIED BY THE NUMBER OF SPOTS ON YOUR NEIGHBORS DALMATIAN.

[TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF KEYBOARD ] TOUCH A BODY PART AND KINDLY MENTION WHICH PART OF THE BODY YOUR HAND IS TOUCHING [ SPRISHTANGA ] .STATE YOUR PROBLEM CLEARLY , LET US KNOW WHAT IS IT THAT YOUR ARE LOOKING FOR WITHOUT AMBIGUITY ! IF ABOVE PROCEDURE IS NOT ADHERED TO ,THEN NO ANSWERS WILL BE GIVEN !

Your questions, The Real Chiraan's answers - 1

Question of the day:

Respected Guruji,
Numbers - 199, 21, 09
Place - Los Angeles, 9 02 am
11 betel leaves, 489 betel nuts, 0.056 kilo of almond, dates and 0.872 cashews, 0.4 dozen of pineapples, jackfruit.
My daughter birthday is 8th August, Birthplace Mylapore. My hand is on my nose, almost inside. Plz tell me who will be marrying my daughter and exact time of the marriage. I already posted you this question but no replay. Please tell me as I cant be waiting anymore. thank you in advance.


The Real Chiraan says:

Your daughter will get married to Sachin Tendulkar on April 1st, 2020, since both their janma nakshatras are proxima centauri. This will piss off Anjali Tendulkar, so please make sure you send the leaves, nuts and fruits to her.

I am Chiraan ( The REAL Chiraan)

As you all know, I am a man who needs no introduction, as I am the world-famous CHIRAAN. But being the conceited asshole that I am, I'll still go ahead and introduce myself.

• I am THE expert in astrology, alchemy, occult, cock-and-bull-ology and other such sciences.
• My loukika achievements are not far behind - for I am the CEO of the National Douchebag Foundation ( N.D.F )
• I have a dedicated bunch of chelas and chamchas who are dumb enough to believe every word I say. All of them have the mental makeup of a 4 year old, hence I find them cute. I have even convinced them that I am not a fraud, which would have been really obvious if you had an IQ above 35 points.
• I believe that the earth is flat and stationary. I can provide simple, easy to understand, wrong arguments to show the earth is not spherical. If the earth was spherical, how is it possible to play cricket on a flat pitch? Checkmate scientists!
• I SOMETIMES Randomly use CAPSLOCK in my SENTences. My chelas find that to be a convincing proof of the strength of my arguments.
• I can totally curse( as in "smite" ) and grant boons. I once cursed a man to die and he died ( after 30 years, due to old age ). Vijay Mallya became a millionaire after he consulted me ( he was a billionaire to begin with)

P.S. : My astro-sense says that one of my chelas is a backstabber, he/she might be impersonating me in this blog. I'll personally make sure he/she is going to hell.